An Observers tale

need to get stuff off my chest.
Okay everyone I'm moving out of my current residents tomorrow. I was to be doing this on the 9th but until I get to that place I'm out at another co-workers.

A friend pointed out to me what I do and it is ture. I'm quick to p;oint out the bad in myself for other people so what they may have overlooked and not seen I present them with a discription of my faults. I have noticed that I play the poor me character often and that the reason I have a hard time maintaining conversations with people is that I make cheesy philisophical statements "We all feel bad some times" that stop the conversation short.

I crack myself up here I am telling you all how I am quick to point out the neg to others and in the next sentance what do I do, point out the negative.

I realized the other day that words have wieight. All anyone can judge is what they see and hear and now that I'm awair of it I should start trying to pay attention to the image that I'm portraying. Man do I wish I was niave to this fact again.

I can't wait to get back to Canada and be in my element again. Although,,, I am now a transplant.

WHY CAN"T LIFE BE EASY. Only because we like to make it difficult.

so this is a must read list. "The four Agreements" #1 rule don't take things personally especially yourself. Everyone acts out of their own fears and emotions so when someone, even yourself, is criticizing you it is because of their own fears emotions and insecurities coming out. You can learn alot from this and about this person.
"Celestine Prophesis" What it's 9 years old and I'm reading it for the first time. It speaks about my life and personal experiences that I had at age 12 and have ignored
"Tenth insight" It is so true how we act out our fears.

very true

EARTH is your chinese symbol!


What Chinese Symbol Are You?
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Here I am in the caribbean and I'm realizing that I have to stop holding my thoughts back and put them out there in the world. Here is one of my first attempts. As you can see I contradict myself but thoughts do that. Enjoy.

I went to St. John's this weekend and stayed at a wonderful place. www.maho.com I realized that those tents are what I want to be living in for the rest of my life. All I need is some wood canvas and screen. You have to wonder though. An eco tourist place using wood. I wonder how they deal with the termits. (food for thought)

I have to laugh so hard. I'm living the total opposite life that I was planning to live as a young person. I was looking for hard work and hardship. Instead I'm liveing in luxury. It's a nice experience but...

If I were to have children I would want stability and financial freedom. Isn't it ironic that that is what is easily obtainable without children and something you have to struggle to have when you have children. Our society is SO backwards. We should be supporting our young and working together to help foster there love and there life becuase it is our children that will be inheritang the earth. Children are SO compsionate. That is why you can not help but smile at a youngster. And it is how we raise them and barrait them in life that children develop a thick skin and learn to hide that love. This is demonstrated by the beautiful (aka mentally handicap). The beautiful, because they think and feel on a different track as us don't allow our baratings and beatings to develop into the callused skin that the rest of us develop.
When we have this callosed skin we only allow ourselvs to share our unconditional love with our partners and children. We even close off to family. It is sad to say but how many of us can honestly say we love our parents full unconditionsally.

Too many of us hold scars or bruises (generally emotional) for something or other that we have experienced in our life. Theses scars and bruises are there more becasue of our denial then becasue of them being given to us. " There are our parents we are suppose to love them."
What we forget is that they are people too who also have scars and bruises.
If we take the time to acknowlege this and go throught the emotions of anger and pain and all the other of gambit emotions that we may feel, and acknowldge them we can move passed the bumps and bruises and even the scars on to forgiveness and a return to the unconditional love that we once held.

Our world would be such a beautiful place if we shared our unconditional love with ALL of those around us and not just select people. That is what Jesus did and look at the wonderful miracles he proformd. REMEMBER PEOPLE!! He was human!! People turn off when they hear his name and I don't blame them. Jesus was put on a pedastil that he did not want to be put on. The people around him turned fanatical.

Wow. I love train of thought writing.
The thing is when things distract you (like the wind slamming some doors shut) you slip from the track. Maybe I should lookinto getting a laptop. There is so much I want to write but my had can't coordinate the pen onn the paper fast enough to the speed of my thought snad typing works nicely. Hmmm. Anyone know of any good deals on a compact laptop or have suggestions.

I actually came to the computer to tell you what I had learned from my experiences with music. It is SO influencioal in our live beyond our comprehension. Because it sooths and inspires it actually can help direct our lives. I am listening to some C&W a friend burnd for me and I did not realize how limiting the music is. Talking on How life is validated by investing your love in one person. I'm not saying it is a bad thing. If that is the only way that people will express their love then that is what is needed. But everyone should be striving to share it with all people not just the one person. We are conditioned in the wrong manner. We are condisioned to only share it with one person. Wow here I go on another train. Now I see how I got onto the previous topic. I LOVE THIS. I have found a passion. I just need a laptop so I can enjoy my pasion in the right manner. OUtside in the natureal world not traped inside. Is ebay a good place to go for computers??

pople often ask "what do you do no your free time?" What they are truely asking is how do you fill your time. Being in the position that I am, Massage therapist, I'm disconvering that there is a lot of time to deal with in a day and I am now faced with filling that time. Last season I filled my time with working on the beach. But in doing that I was taking away some ealses time filler. This is something you have to avoid. You see. Many of us need to feel useful or that we have a purpose for being where we are. This is often done by filling our time with activities. We are taught at a young age to be useful and not to waist time. [This is a good thing because we only have one life to live and who knows when it is over. It could be today it could be 100 years from now.]
As a child we occupied our time with playing and our parents tried to direct that play for educational purposes. Then as we grew they tried to direct our play for constructive purposes. They (our parents) had little to no time so they sequestered our time to help do activities that were construtive. Eg. hose chores. then we go to school and our time is occupied with learning and homework. Then we move on to jobs and our days are filled with work but then we have non working time that now we need some for of activity to fill because we only sleep for so many hours in a day. This is were these 'hobbies' come in to play.

This is a start to a really good psyc paper.
We humans are social creatures. We validate our existence by our interactions with others. If enough people reject us we begin to reject ourselves. (*could research or cit work on how many people it takes to persuade others) We internalise others behaviours and actions towards us. If you encounter enough people who shy away, you start putting reasons as to why people are acting in this manner. (I'm ugly I’m...) Some times these thoughts are completely unfounded. It would be much easier if the first person we encounter just tells us we have a cockroach nesting in our hair. (Ha, ha making light of a heavy topic) (*This could most likely be sited by work. Even by candid camera footage)

But there you go... where do we find the foundation to gaige whether something is unfounded? From the Norm? But what is normal? What everyone else does? If you took the world and put everyone on the planet through psychological testing as set out by the DSMVII it is likely that at lest 80% of the world would fall into some category of a diagnosis. [This leads to a circular argument because all tests and evaluations are developed and administered by people and were these people free of "mental issues".] Therefore the majority of the population have "mental issues". So can we really base what is the norm on the actions of the majority?
(*this paragraph does not solve the problem stated: What is normal?)

People are apt to picking up on what is 'abnormal'. This most likely stems from our animal instincts (*can be developed further).
Being a social creature we are eager to fit in to the group so we often conform to the norm as best as we can. (Acceptance validates our existence.) This is positive and negative. Positive, because it stops the average person from harm. (it is not the norm to walk the tip rope across two five-story buildings)[argument is not developed correctly here] But it is also negative because the things that make us unique are often hidden. It is in this uniqueness that creativity and ingenuity that progress and advancement for the human race can be found. For ingenuity to be used by the masses to stir up progression of the race in must be accepted. [another circular argument] E.g. cd and computers. These things are progressions but it didn’t cause mass progression until it was accepted by the many. And everyone is then making things similar to the original

Next you will find that that I have made some reason (personal rationalizations) of others behaviour towards me. If you wish to find out what they are read on.

Boy has this been a time of self-discovery. I have learned that people just don't understand. I thank my parents and my faith for making the person that I am but now I have to try and live in this twisted world without becoming twisted. Here let me explain a little.
I love everyone I meet whole-heartedly. Everyone. As we all should. Now the problem is that everyone is not use to feeling this love from a total stranger. Most only feel this love from family and unfortunately that is if people were 'lucky' enough to grow up in a loving family. [my first heartbreak of my life was learning that not everyone was loved and accepted for who they were 100% as they grew up (thank you mom and Papa)]
I asked my priest if I could be a nun and he told me that it wasn’t' for me. I later realized that it was a way for me to hide away from the world. But as a nun my love and loving presence would be understood and received in the correct light. Yet the church is ruled by politics and human politics is always flaud.
Now I'm trying to find my place in the world. In a world where everyone is told and conditioned into only sharing unconditional love with our girlfriends and boyfriends and so when people encounter me they figure I'm looking to have a date because they see me as single. The thing is I fell in love long ago. It was because I fell in love that I could share this unconditional love with all I meet. And I'm curtain I will never find anyone who could step into those shoes of my Lover. All I can hope for is someone who also has fallen in Love to share my journey with. This love of mine would best be describe as The Universal love or "God", Ala, etc. etc. Like some already know I came to my faith with my heart and not my head. I was raised Catholic yet it was never the teachings of the church that brought me to faith. It was my experiences.
I can't believe that others are so closed off to what is out there and Staring them right in their face. Take a look people. Take a look and the world we live in. Take a look at the majestic clouds in the ski, take a look at the beautiful blues of the atmosphere. Isn't it just such beautiful art work. Our artist try to capture these awe inspiring sights to no avail. Nothing can mimic the real thing. The thing that breaks my heart is that people only see and feel these things when they are "twiterpated" or in love. But that is my life. That is, when I can break though the opresion. The thoughts that we encounter from a young age. We can't sing we aren't as good as... we cant' draw because we are not as good as... Your not doing that right becuase...

Going to university is just a matter of learning what others have already done so that you can make a unique work of your own. (aka PhD) You spend a tone of money and invest tones of time.

Steven haukins is so succesful because he is free to spend the time using his brain to come up with unique and independant thoughts. There is not much known in his feild of work. (this train of thought is trying to discredite his efforts :oP)
If you want to have a PhD you take the time to research and find hard evidence and support for your thoughts so that you can do a disertation on the subject. But you can't be recognized for hving a phD unless you go throught the hops of University. This is a shame because we all have unique thoughts we just do not take the time to write them down and find the support needed to convince others of our thoughts.

It is all a matter of cridensials and credability. Others do not believe what you say if they do not find you credible. But how do we come about being credible. Someone accepts what we say as truth. Often this is done soly based on the amount of confidence that is placed behind the statement of the person.things that make us unique are often hiden. It is in this uniqueness that creativity and injinuity that progress and advancement for the human reace can be found. For injunuty to be used by the masses to stir up pogression of the race in must be accepted. [another circular argument] Eg. cd's and computers. These things are pogressions but it dind't cause mass pogression until it was accepted by the many. And everyone is then making things similar to the original

And so with that I have made a reason for others behaviour towards me and if you wish to find out read on.

Boy has this been a time of self discovery. I have learned that people just don't understand. I thank my parents and my faith for making the person that I am but now I have to try and live in this twisted world without becoming twisted. Here let me explain a little.
I love everyone I meet whole heartedly. Everyone. As we all should. Now the problem is that everyone is not use to feeling this love from a total stranger. Most only feel this love from family and unfortunatly that is if people were 'lucky' enough to grow up in a loving family. [my first heart break of my life was learning that not everyone was loved and accepted for who they were 100% as they grew up (thank you mom and Papa)]
I asked my prist if I could be a nun and he told me that it wasnt' for me. I later realized that it was a way for me to hide away from the world. But as a nun my love and loving presence would be understood and received in the correct light. Yet the church is ruled by politices and human politics is always flaud.
Now I'm trying to find my place in the world. In a world where everyone is told and conditioned into only sharing unconditional love with our girlfirends and boyfriends and so when people encounter me they figure I'm looking to have a date because they see me as single. The thing is I fell in love long ago. It was becuase I fell in love that I can share this unconditional love with all I meet. And I'm surtain I will never find anyone who could step into those shoes of my Lover. All I can hope for is someone who also has fallen in Love to share my journey with. This love of mine would best be discribe as The Universal love or "God", Ala, etc. etc. Like some already know I came to my faith with my heart and not my head. I was raised Catholic yet it was never the teachings of the church that brought me to faith. It was my experiences.
I can't believe that others are so closed off to what is out there and Staring them right in their face. Take a look people. Take a look and the world we live in. Take a look at the magestic clouds in the ski, take a look at the beaustiful blues of the atmosphere. Isn't it just such beautiful art work. Our artist try to capture these awe inspiring sights to no avail. Nothing can mimic the real thing. The thing that breaks my heart is that people only see and feel these things when they are "twiterpated" or in love. But that is my life. That is, when I can break though the opresion. The thoughts that we encounter from a young age. We can't sing we aren't as good as... we cant' draw because we are not as good as... Your not doing that right becuase...

Going to university is just a matter of learning what others have already done so that you can make a unique work of your own. (aka PhD) You spend a tone of money and invest tones of time.

Steven haukins is so succesful because he is free to spend the time using his brain to come up with unique and independant thoughts. There is not much known in his feild of work. (this train of thought is trying to discredite his efforts :oP)
If you want to have a PhD you take the time to research and find hard evidence and support for your thoughts so that you can do a disertation on the subject. But you can't be recognized for hving a phD unless you go throught the hops of University. This is a shame because we all have unique thoughts we just do not take the time to write them down and find the support needed to convince others of our thoughts.

It is all a matter of cridensials and credability. Others do not believe what you say if they do not find you credible. But how do we come about being credible. Someone accepts what we say as truth. Often this is done soly based on the amount of confidence that is placed behind the statement of the person.
People gain credibility from having titles of recognitions (acceptance validates existance) or for spending a lot of money, listening and memorizing the information and studies done from people before them and then writing a work of their own. PhD hopefully from a cretible university. But how does the universicty bef\come credible [circular argument] From years of experience of passing on information of one professor to the next. Universities started out by learning how to read and write so that thoughts could be shared and universities were a forum for debating and discussing thoughts. Many people in their time were discredited (church rejected Plato) because of their unique and indepedant thoughts but are held in high regard today because their thoughts are still takled about today. (fame = credibility??)

Being here in this house all by myself with no one to talk to or share my feelings with (to have another persons veiw oint expressed to me and having a forum to debate our thoughts makes me realize why I wish to have life parners. Someone, some people to communicate my feelings and thoughts with. Being all alone with only my voice Ah ha. That is why classical music is so loved. It alows the mind to focus on something other then itself while not directly impossing someone ealses thoughts and feelings (aka lyrics) upon you. I say directly because the music itslef is expresive and brings about emotions and this is becuase a composer put their thoughts and feelingings into something to make this origianal work. (PhD of music?) They studied other peoples works and techniques to come about their own personal work, expression.
This is where society is flawed. Only those with the money can go to university and study their favorit subjects to develop their own thoughts. Their own works that are recognixed by others.
There is a question out there. Fame or wealth. = global acceptance or personal freedom. It would nice to have both. €™

I have been living life with reckless abondon. And hurting others in the process.

All we know of the world is what we see and what we experience. We are validated by and we validate all that we see and experience. THis goes to show that there is something greater the us out there. If a person is in a coma they are no longer experienceing life as we know. They do not thouch feel or think of what they are seeing touching or feelining. Their brain monitors show that they are thinking about something. Their minds are still active.

Everything we do and say and act and move has meaning because someone some where will look for menaing in those actions and words. wiether we think of it or not. Just because we don't think of it does not mean that is does not exsist.